There's a Dwarf on my Back!
by The Phantom
Summary: A ridiculously humorous series of poems revolving around some of those awkward moments in TTT... Now up: Sharku! With his lament 'There's a Ranger on my Warg!' Prepare for a bizarre and unforgettable trip through the movie we know and love.
1. There's a Dwarf on my Back!

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters within. 

Author's Notes: I saw TTT for the fourth time and noticed that Gimli is practically STANDING on Grima during the exorcism scene. First he steps on his chest, and then he has a foot on his back. Ouchie! No doubt Grima is none too happy with it either, and then this poem came flying at me out of nowhere. 

So presenting the 'There's a Dwarf on My Back!' series, a collection of ridiculously silly poems revolving around the awkward situations in the TTT movie. Each poem of thought takes place in about five seconds, as the moment never lasts for long. The first, obviously, is from Grima's point of view as he laments… 

There's a Dwarf on my Back!

The Golden Door crashed open and four visitors came in

A shudder ran along my spine and prickled up my skin

I checked the odds and saw my chance of victory was thin

And now there's a Dwarf on my back

The day began quite normally; it didn't seem so bad

I did some evil plotting that would make poor Rohan sad

I went and bothered Eowyn, but that just made her mad

And now there's a Dwarf on my back

Then I hit the guards' room, and I heckled them for kicks

Complained about security, made general nitpicks

They got all red and flustered while I laughed at my own tricks

And now there's a Dwarf on my back

I'm really very busy, running checks around the Hall

I have to keep morale low and the hopefulness quite small

Pulling strings on one whole country isn't easy, not at all

To top it off, there's a Dwarf on my back

After all my busy wandering, I sat down by the King

I listened for a while to his amusing gurgling 

Then I got down to business and did some whispering

And now there's a Dwarf on my back

When the guards told me of Gandalf, coming closer rapidly

I played out all the options to face this calamity

At last, I said 'The Wizard's staff must not come before me.'

But now there's a Dwarf on my back

In retrospect, I want to scream: the guards are brainless slobs!

Whoever hired them must have searched all the stupid mobs

To find a pack of idiots who cannot do their jobs

Because of them, there's a Dwarf on my back

'Take the staff, take the staff'; is that so hard to do?

The ONE order I gave them and they just could not come through

They let the one thing in that I would prefer not to view

And now there's a Dwarf on my back

The King managed to speak a bit without excessive drool

I taunted that old Wizard while he calmly held his cool

He knew that he could crush me! Oh, I must have looked a fool

And now there's a Dwarf on my back

The Elf gave me a nasty look, the Dwarf looked like he'd bite

The Man that stood beside them was the only one polite

He had a vacant look between sheer outrage and contrite

He knew I'd get a Dwarf on my back 

My plan was pure rock-solid; there was no way it could fall

But then the Wizard showed his staff, and me it did appall 

That ugly, simple staff that should not have been there at all

And now there's a Dwarf on my back

Oh, NOW the guards took action! In the scuffle, I fell down

I tried to get away, but something pressed me to the ground

The Dwarf put his FOOT on me with a nasty smirking frown

I was about to get a Dwarf on my back

He said a corny line and then I flipped onto my belly

He's really very heavy, and my spine now feels like jelly

In horror I now realize his boot is very smelly

But I'm stuck with a Dwarf on my back

How could such a perfect day turn so quickly just to dregs?

I'll be thrown out, and to Saruman I'll have to run and beg

I really wish that Dwarf would move; I cannot feel my legs

Painfully trapped with a Dwarf on my back

He seems to think it's funny, and he chuckles in his beard

My foot just fell asleep, and the tingling feels weird

What a way to die, I muse, a passing to be feared!

Death by a Dwarf on the back!

I suppose I'll have to wait it out, for what else can I do?

I'm sure that nothing good will come- the Elf is smirking too!

Just hope that this embarrassment does not happen to you

It's not fun to have a Dwarf on your back

~ The End 


	2. There's a Ranger on my Warg!

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters within.

Author's Notes: Yes, this series will be updated a bit spasmodically, as I am neck-deep in other stories that have plots and cliffhangers and such… Keep sending in those suggestions for awkward moments! And would anyone like to see awkward moments in FOTR?

There's a Ranger on my Warg! 

I'm riding into battle

Chopping heads off recklessly

I see a horse flip over

And its' rider comes at me!

Thrown by the momentum

Of his horses' flipping back

This Man is flying at me

Fully armed for an attack

I came to kill some Riders

Not for Ranger one-on-one

But he shows no signs of stopping 

And I wish that I could run

There's a Ranger on my Warg!

Doesn't look like he'll let go

He has a death grip on my leg

His fingers hurt me so

The Man is really greasy

And looks very fierce and tough

I'm glad that I'm still on my mount

Or else things could get rough

There's a Ranger on my Warg!

This is not how things were planned

They didn't say this would happen

When I put on the White Hand

I've raised these Wargs since puppies

And I've watched the Pit for years

Figures the one time I go riding

I end up in trouble to my ears

There's a Ranger on my Warg!

A one-man cavalry

When the others started running

He just turned and latched on me

His tenacity is admirable

His stubbornness to be feared

I really would applaud him

If it wasn't to me he adhered

There's a Ranger on my Warg!

I can't seem to shake his grip

He is the unwanted passenger

On this wretched hunting trip

His grip is getting tighter

I can see he has a knife

I get the sinking feeling

I won't get out with my life

There's a Ranger on my Warg!

Clinging to it like a flea

And this steadfast little human

Will be the death of me

I wish that I could shake him

You can't say I didn't try

But there's a Ranger on my Warg

And I guess it's time to die

~ The End


End file.
